Pimp Wagon

posted on March 19, 2008 in Stuff

Some people have ‘motor vehicles’; I have ‘the bicycle’. Other people have ‘girlfriends’; I have ‘bookmarked porn’.

Well, one of those things has changed. That’s right I’m getting married!

No, only messing, even better, I got a car!

Don’t get me wrong, I like the bike. She’s a trusty steed is that Susan. We’ve had rough times; when the brakes stopped working, when the wheel buckled, when the tyre went flat and we’ve had the good; slip streaming buses and going down hills really fast. But one thing I’ve come to learn is that bikes don’t help you score. No way, José.

I remember one time during my final year in the students union, semi saturated, exuding the warm ruby glow that Snakey B bestows upon it’s quaffer, being coerced into going up to some girl. A girl whom I assumed wouldn’t know me from Adam. Instead on introduction, “Hi, I’m Ciaran”, she eyes me up and down and says with raised eyebrow “Oh…, you’re the guy with the bike”. It was at that exact moment I realised I was never going to score with this girl. Or in fact any girl that was going to associate me with the bike. I might as well have been the guy who collects Pogs or the guy who talks to pigeons.

Well, not anymore! Now it’ll be the guy with the totally dope pimp wagon. Radical!

Its first journey was an evening drive down to Burton-on-Trent. All the way down I was getting quite a lot of attention from other drivers who were flashing and gesturing, obviously congratulating me on the awesome new babe magnet. Then somewhere on the A50 after getting flashed for the fiftieth time I realised my lights had two settings: ‘dipped’ and ‘blind-absolutely-every-mother-fucker-on-the-road’. Oops. Anyway, here she is:

Pimp Wagon

Fully featured with the latest window and wheel technology. It’s got this fancy glove box that automatically opens into the passengers lap when you pull away from lights and then swings closed when you stop at the next set of lights. If you see me give me a wave. I doubt you will though as I will be travelling AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT.