Clunge: The definitive guide

posted on November 5, 2009 in Stuff

Clunge was first brought to my serious attention in an email I received from a friend dated 22nd February 2007. It was a hilarious if fairly graphic read, but one element really got stuck in my mind. Clunge. What was this clunge, and how do I get stuck into it? Would I know what a clunge was if I tripped over it, or it hit me in the face? I didn’t know. I put this thought on ice for the remainder of my travels.

Clunge phone

When I returned home from The World little had changed except for the excessive clunge usage. Dave in particular had embraced clunge with such vigour that I knew, like a particularly aggressive virus, it would quickly spread to me. It didn’t help that Dave coupled each “clunge!” with a full blooded hand rub. Sometimes he would even grab you by the shoulders and shake the ‘clunge’ into you. Like Pavlov’s dog we were gradually, irreversibly conditioned to respond to Dave’s stimuli.

The Spread of Clunge

The earliest acknowledgement I can find for clunge is that on the Urban Dictionary. This is dated Jul 13th 2003; a clear 3 and a half years before I was really aware of it. Where had Sheena got her clunge from and what had clunge been up to the interim?

Clunge on Urban Dictionary

The next reference I can find is in Ricky Gervais’s book Flanimals, released in October 2004. Amongst the Munge Fuddler and Splunge you’ll find the Clunge Ambler, ‘an ape like Flaminal that hugs everything it sees’.

Clunge Ambler

I struggle with the mental imagery of getting hugged by a clunge, but I think it would be a tight spot.

Where was clunge through 2005 and 2006? It’s difficult to say, but there is one man who rode the clunge wave with his swinging member in the first half of 2007. That man is jogging champ Kriss Akabusi.

Kriss Akabusi

A series of short stories charting Kriss’s adventures with his mighty womb broom make particular reference to clunge.

“Akabusi slowly turned around and saw Katie Price in front of him – wearing nothing but a Juicy Couture camisole and the slightest glistening of her ample clunge.”

Charming. The recounting of Akabusi’s adventures are attributed to erotic writer ‘Rofl Lundgren’. Where did Rofl find the clunge?

As 2007 progressed it got to the stage where clunge was getting pounded so hard in our conversations (particularly with Dave), they were beginning to lose any meaning. Any message we were trying to convey simply got lost in the clunge.

Then in May 2008 clunge went mainstream. Thanks to E4 show The Inbetweeners, clunge was blown wide apart. When I stumbled across the show for the first time I couldn’t quite believe it. It seemed someone had stolen every conversation you’ve ever had with Dave and put it on telly. When the character Jay started waxing on about being “knee deep in clunge”, I realised I would need to sit Dave down in front of it so he could watch his alter ego in action. I did do this, and I think Dave thought it was a documentary.

If you can see this, then you might need a Flash Player upgrade or you need to install Flash Player if it's missing. Get Flash Player from Adobe.

The ClungeLine:

On the Origins of Clunge

The true source? This is something I’ve yet to ascertain. Suspicions are that clunge originates from the North East and there may be allusions to it in sitcoms set up there. I’ll continue to have a deep root about in the clunge and see if I can pull out any solid conclusions.

Clunge juice

Facts and figures

A few months ago clunge was but the poor cousin to the likes of poon and even ham wallet. But, thanks mainly to The Inbetweeners, clunge has exploded.

Clunge over time graph

You can see from the graph that clunge has grown exponentially. Starting off a few months ago with just 22,300 Google hits, we’re now standing at 368,000. Clunge has grown by a staggering 1550%. Intergalactic.

The Future of Clunge

As a testament to its acceptance into mainstream clunge has now made it onto Wikipedia, albeit indirectly on the British slang page. The only higher accolade would be if it merited its own page. If you have a look at where the page would be, you can see by the history that each time someone tried to jam clunge onto Wikipedia, the clunge gets nailed.

Clunge on Wikipedia

So, what now as clunge truly heads for the main stream? Clunge is no longer the  niche, tight gap it once was. As early proponents of clunge I feel it would be wrong to abandon it as it finally hits maturity. I think we should continue to champion the cause and help lubricate clunge’s passage to greatness. But we don’t need to force clunge on anyone. Clunge can now look after itself.

Clunge T-Shirt