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Saturday – the half moon party; Ko Phangan’s excuse to get drunk and party in the jungle. We start drinking at about 10.

Shortly after a number of Swedish girls that we spoke to the previous night join us.

We readily agree the 3 Swedes are getting steadily hotter. Whilst peeling the label off my Chang beer I note that it is 6.4%. I decide the two facts could be related. We are having good fun as a sixsome. A large Canadian gentlemen joins the group, clearly interested in our flock of Swedish girls. He enjoys telling me that “Canadians are brawlers” and then takes pleasure in demonstrating a humans pressure points, on me. I laugh politely and decide I do not wish to enjoy his company for any longer than necessary.

My favourite Swede is the one called Eleanor (say it in a Swedish accent and elgonate the ‘norrr’). She is both attractive and is in a long term relationship; the two qualities I go for in a girl. I decide to impress her with my grasp of Swedish. She pulls a funny face and looks confused. I remember that I don’t actually know any Swedish.

Here is me and her. I want her for my wife.

Lewis and myself invent a new kind of handshake.

One of our number is getting along VERY well with a Swede.

Here are some lines for you to read between:

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Here we are.

Lewis and I adopt a girl from Leeds. She is the one I am garrotting in the photo. She invites us back to hers for drinks and ‘more’. We say no and continue to regret this decision.

At 7am we call it a night and walk past 2 in 1 HAIR! I would like a mohawk and a mullet.

Thanks men and Ladies.