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Clunge was first brought to my serious attention in an email I received from a friend dated 22nd February 2007. It was a hilarious if fairly graphic read, but one element really got stuck in my mind. Clunge. What was this clunge, and how do I get stuck into it? Would I know what a clunge was if I tripped over it, or it hit me in the face? I didn’t know. I put this thought on ice for the remainder of my travels.

When I returned home from The World little had changed except for the excessive clunge usage. Dave in particular had embraced clunge with such vigour that I knew, like a particularly aggressive virus, it would quickly spread to me. It didn’t help that Dave coupled each “clunge!” with a full blooded hand rub. Sometimes he would even grab you by the shoulders and shake the ‘clunge’ into you. Like Pavlov’s dog we were gradually, irreversibly conditioned to respond to Dave’s stimuli.

The Spread of Clunge

The earliest acknowledgement I can find for clunge is that on the Urban Dictionary. This is dated Jul 13th 2003; a clear 3 and a half years before I was really aware of it. Where had Sheena got her clunge from and what had clunge been up to the interim?

The next reference I can find is in Ricky Gervais’s book Flanimals, released in October 2004. Amongst the Munge Fuddler and Splunge you’ll find the Clunge Ambler, ‘an ape like Flaminal that hugs everything it sees’.

I struggle with the mental imagery of getting hugged by a clunge, but I think it would be a tight spot.

Where was clunge through 2005 and 2006? It’s difficult to say, but there is one man who rode the clunge wave with his swinging member in the first half of 2007. That man is jogging champ Kriss Akabusi.

A series of short stories charting Kriss’s adventures with his mighty womb broom make particular reference to clunge.

“Akabusi slowly turned around and saw Katie Price in front of him – wearing nothing but a Juicy Couture camisole and the slightest glistening of her ample clunge.”

Charming. The recounting of Akabusi’s adventures are attributed to erotic writer ‘Rofl Lundgren’. Where did Rofl find the clunge?

As 2007 progressed it got to the stage where clunge was getting pounded so hard in our conversations (particularly with Dave), they were beginning to lose any meaning. Any message we were trying to convey simply got lost in the clunge.

Then in May 2008 clunge went mainstream. Thanks to E4 show The Inbetweeners, clunge was blown wide apart. When I stumbled across the show for the first time I couldn’t quite believe it. It seemed someone had stolen every conversation you’ve ever had with Dave and put it on telly. When the character Jay started waxing on about being “knee deep in clunge”, I realised I would need to sit Dave down in front of it so he could watch his alter ego in action. I did do this, and I think Dave thought it was a documentary.

The ClungeLine:

On the Origins of Clunge

The true source? This is something I’ve yet to ascertain. Suspicions are that clunge originates from the North East and there may be allusions to it in sitcoms set up there. I’ll continue to have a deep root about in the clunge and see if I can pull out any solid conclusions.

Facts and figures

A few months ago clunge was but the poor cousin to the likes of poon and even ham wallet. But, thanks mainly to The Inbetweeners, clunge has exploded.

You can see from the graph that clunge has grown exponentially. Starting off a few months ago with just 22,300 Google hits, we’re now standing at 368,000. Clunge has grown by a staggering 1550%. Intergalactic.

The Future of Clunge

As a testament to its acceptance into mainstream clunge has now made it onto Wikipedia, albeit indirectly on the British slang page. The only higher accolade would be if it merited its own page. If you have a look at where the page would be, you can see by the history that each time someone tried to jam clunge onto Wikipedia, the clunge gets nailed.

So, what now as clunge truly heads for the main stream? Clunge is no longer the  niche, tight gap it once was. As early proponents of clunge I feel it would be wrong to abandon it as it finally hits maturity. I think we should continue to champion the cause and help lubricate clunge’s passage to greatness. But we don’t need to force clunge on anyone. Clunge can now look after itself.

Tags clunge what is clunge

What with Disco Stu being an International DJ and me being an International Weapon of Limited Destruction, our paths don’t cross nearly enough. We endeavoured to resolve this lack of hot one on one by heading to Porto.

For the second (and please God last) time this year my weekend began by bedding down with my fellow man behind the fogged windows of a hatchback car. Think that scene in ‘Titanic’ minus the happy ending.

Porto is a good looking place set on the Douro River, within the Norte region of Portugal. It’s famous for Port wine and maybe other stuff, but nothing that really concerns me. We were of course there purely for romance.

To this end Stu and I took a pleasant boat trip up and down the Douro to look at the bridges. There are 6 of them. I counted.

We then visited one of the many Port Wine Cellars to sample some Port. They only let it ferment for a few days, so not all the sugar is converted to alcohol and it retains a sweet flavour. Stu took a photo and I did a silly face.

We also met some Portuguese girls. Coincidentally they had been on holiday to Alicante in the Summer. Whilst there they had, coincidentally, stayed in the same hostel as a pirate themed Stag Do from England.  The fact we were now in Porto must also have been a Large Coincidence and not an instance of the longest range, most tiring (and most expensive) case of stalking to grace the world of male delusionism.

I think I’ve met that special someone. I had an inkling ever since the Stag Do of Truth when we had danced all night and frollicked together in the sea. There was something there, just beneath the surface, and I think they knew it too. It took this trip to Porto for me to realise it. The only problem is they live so bloody far away. I mean, who rents a house in Bolton? If I want to see him it’s like a half hour drive! I will have to make do with listening to one of his Ibiza mixes while stroking his photo.

If you are fortunate enough to meet nice people from interesting places, you often through politeness or as a useful tool for ending a conversation invite them to visit in the indeterminate future. Let this be a lesson. Don’t invite us. We will turn up on your doorstep with a crate of beer and a phrase book. I think the only people who were more surprised to see us than the girls, were the girl’s boyfriends. Why had these drunk Englishmen turned up to visit their flock? I’m sure they understood.

Had I known that the romance was going to be between Stu and myself maybe I wouldn’t have been so eager. Who am I kidding? I would’ve been more eager.

Where next?