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#Woah! Back to the island.#

We spent four nights at Beachcomber Island Resort, chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool,

shooting some volleyball out by the pool,

when a couple of girls – they were up to no good – started flaming sambuccas in our neighbourhood,

they spun one little bottle and I got scared, I said “I’m going to the bar to get me some fresh air!”

I walked up to the bar about 7 or 8, I said “Hey!” to the hottie “how ya doin’? Catch ya later.” I looked at my kingdom – I was finally there – I ordered 4 beers and drank one right there.

Beachcomber then. We checked into the largest dorm I’ve ever seen. I was worried they would wake us early to start work on a transcontinental railway.

Playing cards on the first evening a few Norwiegans joined us. Having napalmed the candle at both ends on Mana we were feeling a little less than sociable but wearily promised we’d be ready to ‘party’ the following evening.

Jackanory time.

Day 216 Thursday 12th April

“Over breakfast I can’t help but notice how many girls there are. Moreover just how many of them are positively hot. And not just ‘holiday hot’ but bona fide cold light of day hot. As the morning strolls on more fresh meat is shipped in. On one boat I see only 2 guys, the rest delightful girls. Frikkin’ awesome.

Over lunch we caught up with Team Norway. The blonde one Ida the other Kari, but for our sakes pronounced Kerry. At their suggestion we [us 3 guys] play mini golf that afternoon. I lost.

I swam around the island in 23 minutes.

That evening we drink. Us three plus Team Norway chatting and drinking away. We crank it up a notch introducing the girls to flaming sambuccas. Then we went in for a bowl of Kava. Everyone else grimmaced but it’s not that bad, plus it’s bad form to insult the national drink.

[…]

A drunk Norwiegan birthday girl talks to me. These 3 facts are all I can gather. Drunk Norwiegan birthday girls drunk friend makes me open a bottle and get in a photo. The Canadian guy she’s been tongue wrestling comes over not looking too impressed. I make a swift exit.

I’m back with the guys and Team Norway before I summon the courage to speak to the American girl.

[…]

I find Miss America. Her name is Erica. [She will make a great housewife. Hopefully a desperate one.]

Later we go swimming with Ida and Kari.”

Heavily censored exert there. If one was to go to Norway right now, it’d be empty – they’re all in Fiji. Rest assured we do plan on going to Norway; they’re doing something right up there.

Tags Beachcomber Bula Fiji Travel

Bula! Bula my friends, we are all family here.

We’ve been in Fiji for two weeks. Apparently the word ‘paradise’ is bandied about. I suppose if sea, sun, sand and a wealth of hot girls is your bag then sure paradise, knock yourself out. For us 3 experienced travellers though? Tempted by such shallow banality…?

We checked in to Nadi Bay Resort Hotel and quickly set about finding sun, sea, sand and a wealth of hot girls. Apparently the islands are where it’s at so we chose two and after a couple of nights set sail on the ocean blue.

First stop was Ratu Kinis on Mana island. Here we saw Fijians dancing,

Fijians fire dancing,

and Lewis ‘The Bend Master’ Adams winning the limbo contest.

We met a delightful girl called Sarah. Us and her with Russ (her parent and guardian).

However someone tinkered with my beer goggles and set them to ‘Euro Vision’, so here’s a photo of a Swedish girl called Jen.

It was off the shores of Mana that we went fishing with Moses. Despite his reassurance that ‘striking time’ was imminent we only caught 4 fish. But one of those four was mine and another he bludgeoned with a stick, so I was happy. Later we ate the fish.

Mana stood out as an island of characters. The largest of those being Urich, or Polski as he was known. He’s a Polish author, computer scientist, physicist, photographer, graphics designer and break dancer equally inclined to get naked as he is to start philosophizing.

We were sad to leave Mana. On the morning of our departure as I was piling my breakfast plate high, the Fijian staff guy engages me in conversation. “Maybe you will meet your wife in Fiji” he mused. I had to laugh. As we sped off the staff played the goodbye song with Polski (far right) typically in the thick of it shouting and waving.

Tags Fiji Mana Ratu Kinis

So the three stooges have another country under the belt, eh? Time to say goodbye to New Zealand, eh? It’s been good, eh? Sweet as, eh?

Done a fair old bit. Ice climbing at the Franz Josef glacier – a Rosebot Adventure (Tm).

Mountains.

Rosey doing his best to win $5,000 on the golf challenge in Taupo. FORE!!

Birds.

Take one large inflatable ball. Insert 3 lightly seasoned Englishmen. Add several gallons of water. Mix thoroughly.

Yes, Zorbing. It’s the closest experience you can get to being inside a washing machine that’s rolling down a large hill.

~

In an ideal world every girl you’ve had dealings with should, after things have come to a close, be shipped off to an island. Here they would effectively be out of circulation, their only companions the other girls you’ve callously disregarded. It’s the only rational system.

However, in some cruel twist of fate I’ve ended up on this very island. I briefly thought that maybe I should be questioning why a girl would want to travel so far after meeting me, but remembering that I can quote every Simpsons episode verbatim and have an impressive Airfix collection, I quickly allayed these fears. When meeting an ex girlfriend a small part of you kind of wishes them to have become grossly overweight and/or a member of some kind of cult. Of course neither of these were remotely true.

The following day I decided to throw myself off the highest building I could find. Had I known that Auckland’s highest building – the Sky Tower – was taller than the Eiffel Tower I might have thought twice, but to hell with it.

ROLL THE VT…!

Tags Auckland Sky Tower New Zealand Zorbing