Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the Ãœbercharge.

When the people you know start getting engaged, getting married, studying for a Masters, saving Pink Pigeons in Guatamala, moving to London, buying a house with lamps, holidaying in Kojakistan and settling in far away lands you start to wonder what it is you bring to the table (and curse Facebook). There’s a niggling doubt that one should be doing more with the precious little time there is. I mean sure, there are things I aspire to do; setting off a speed camera on the bike and undertaking my loudest burp to date, but what meaning do they really carry?

Then I forgot all about that as Steam had finished downloading Team Fortress 2.

I dabbled a little in Team Fortress Classic, but for me there was too much for the brain to comprehend. Take the original Spy for example. Your standard loadout was a tranquilizer pistol, double-barrel shotgun, single barrel shotgun, nail gun, knife, 2 flavours of grenade and several special abilities. Choice is overrated. TF2 simplifies things to a primary, secondary and melee weapons model, bravely pulling the pin on grenades all together.

TF2 inspires teamwork. In CS I see my team mates as incompetent meatsocks whose occasional redeeming feature is in distracting the enemy long enough for me to take them down. In TF2 you need your team mates. Playing as a soldier I managed to sneak in behind a choke point and found myself facing the back of four members of the enemy team. I then realised I was done for. In CS an enemy facing away from you is on the highway to spectator mode. In TF2 the best I could hope for was that my impacting rockets would bounce them around enough for me to hot foot it back to my side of the map. It didn’t. I was dead. Perhaps if I’d had a Pyro or Heavy with me…

If World War I taught us anything it’s that wars of attrition mean rats and tinned food stuffs. Don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of a front line, but the grinding stalemate that can plague maps can be tiresome. I for one were an advocate of that APC in cs_siege. Yes it could disappear through the floor leaving you hopelessly exposed and yes it could run you over whilst you were still in the vehicle, but it could inject some CTs straight into the Ts base. The Medic’s Ãœbercharge is the answer to that isometric APC.

Having fully charged his gun of medical goodness the Medic can unleash the Ãœbercharge, rendering you and himself temporarily invulnerable, enabling you to march straight into enemy territory, bullets ricocheting harmlessly off and say “yes, here I am, would you care for some cake?” If anything it’s the warm up that’s as good as the climax. Your HUD tells you the Medic is 100% ready, the warm carress of his healing ray playing gently over your back. Then, having positioned yourself appropriately, you’re ready for him to unleash his charge. You hammer at the keyboard for the right key combination. “Sentry here!” nope, “Cloaked spy!” nuts. “Activate Ãœbercharge!”, that’s the one. The Medic hears your passionate cry. A second later you’re covered with the Medic’s translucent life juice, radiating the glow of your partnership as you penetrate deeply into enemy territory.

Seconds later it’s over; you’re left weak as your health ebbs away. The fleeting copulation is over and you’re left pondering the futility of any moments shared with another individual. Then flick to shotgun, beat a hasty retreat and find another Medic so you can do it again.

In conclusion, here is a video. I only really play as a Soldier so it doesn’t demonstrate any of TF2’s diverse classes. Only the Soldier.

Team Fortress 2 scores pretty well out of 10.